About Me

An Escapist close to the world.

Sunday, 31 May 2009

"I can't live with them…and I can't live without them!"

Due my last two months, I've had frays with my love life. my relationship was more likely bruised from long distance smudges, I felt hurt all the way long and I remember the morning I woke up texting my facebook status with; "she wants to spin and spin on her toes 'til she falls and vomits her sadness out" I really was desperate to find any way to excrete the sickness of my heart out of my body even if it will get me through an actual vomiting. I was tired of aching. Tired of waiting him in silence, silence that worse than knives. Tired of bridling my needs so as not to destruct him from his work and I was really tired of writing lines of grief.

I tried letting go and alas it had never worked, because it's never meant to be me who surrenders raising her white flag that fast especially when it comes to my love plus possessing a decent love those days is so much so a dream. I remember right the days when I was seriously thinking of leaving and started my procedures of getting over him like if he already was an EX. Yet the moment my eyes caught him in the streets right after our phone call when he claimed he will camp home since he has gotten a moneyless wallet- I felt a rash of safety was tickling my skin I felt home. I felt stabbed and I felt betrayed as though, and I couldn't ask the taxi driver to pull over, because I felt ashamed that the man of my life was two feet away and I can't even walk beside him. But placidity was quieting my heart though because I knew that we're to be together no matter how distant we were, I knew that just by the few seconds seeing him.

After two months of swallowing the sword and smiling which as been said above was not working I decided to mute my alarms change my shoes and put on the understanding patient lady who's always there with wide open arms and be his intoxication bills instead of a head bug. To us-women- no woman and I mean no woman would ever forgive her man on not asserting her rights needs and demands in their relationship and when she locks up her insecurities she expects him in return to appreciate that since we analyze it over givens from us. And for me to adopt that understanding attitude I'd had to make peace with it then start implementing, I began my journey with a line I wrote in my cell while being trapped in our uplifting traffic; "like if our hearts only beat for love, like if our hearts have no other functions but to cling to whose are special and what they do for us!". the cars were moving slowly enough for me to think, I thought to myself what if he's really busy and got hitched in time of life-stuttered?, and why the heck am I swinging my mood on what he gives and what he lacks?, and since when am I that needy for my man?, have I forgotten that this neediness is our opposite sex's number one repellent? I knew I needed to configure my own vision to many things, and the urgent of them all was to my man.

I reminded myself of the quote, which I was personally raised on since grand ma was still breathing: "when men are bonuses…women will be independent." However I adjusted the man; as a corner that piles up my life with the other corners friends, family and work and I can never replace any of which by the other one. Each of them is a separate department from the one another. And each of them is a definite necessity in the one's life because when we damage things in one department, we immediately kneel over walls of another department to raise us again, to destruct us from the hassle of the damaged department so that we can regain our clear vision instead of the unlimited days of thinking on deluded assumptions instead of making any judgments with an angry spouse. unfortunately I didn't do that 'til very soon, I should have realized he's not fine I should not have focused that much on his retarded defaults and I should have known he needs his time to convalescent and he needs it with me by his side.

Lastly; I think I've just tackled your brains to re-think about your partners and if you think you've been trapped in a non use relationship, think over and over because it might be you who has a sick brain cell. It might be you who's selfish enough to irritatingly ask for his wants at the time you blindfold eyes on your partner wants. And if you already split but you can't get over your past...get a life and read my article on how to get over your flashbacks.!

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