Peeled to the last layer of who you are, brimming with authenticity
I mean it would have been easier if you were rejected for someone you pretended to be
In all of my trials to search for the perfect spouse
I WAS MYSELF
They tell you if you followed the old rules of a relationship like:
1. Not revealing so much of your pieces and refraining from showing any sort of affection towards ''HIM'' to have him still interested.
2. Not calling/texting first because HE should handle the burden of all the FIRSTS and the risks of rejection
3. Not speaking your STRONG mind (Freely) so as not to turn him off or having him judging you or having him feel intimated or inferior to you.
4. Rushing into anything physically intimate EVEN THOUGH you are not YET emotionally intimate so as not to get him upset or lose him.
You end up sabotaging your self-esteem because you are subconsciously hiding yourself and feeding this fear of judgment and rejection in you because you think to yourself ''I am not smart enough, I am not HOT enough, I am not wonderful enough''
I was raised to believe that men and women are equal. That old rules ARE NONSENSE GARBAGE. That old rules are for DUMB women who think LESS of themselves so they have to play games and manipulate and masquerade to get a man or to get THE RING. I have always believed that old rules will only lead you to a relationship that is based on dishonest in which you rid yourself of your freedom to be who you are much less to have the merit of spending your life with a man who loves the ''real'' YOU.
Thus: Old rules' inevitable results are waste of time, energy, emotions, self esteem and A FAILED RELATIONSHIP!
But I am tired.
I have never followed any of the old rules. And here I am TIRED!
I want a different ending. I want a different man!
My best friend told me ''what did you lose? A BIG nothing just you eliminated a potential wrong relationship''
And she's right. I also think sharing some moments of joy and exhibiting care and MY PASSION to life with someone who stayed for a month, three weeks or even a year is NEVER wasted. I know, I will be remembered very well to every life I ever encountered.
But then again, rejection hurts even if it comes from people we can't stand or people we look at condescendingly or who are obviously too small to bother us.
Setting hopes on a love then watch his traces disappear, hurts.
Disappointments and failed future images, HURT!
I am tired. But I will never stop being myself.