Its 2:58am, it’s a new Monday, am listening to our song "kiss me" by the cranberries, and it’s a way beyond my expressive words to tell you how the vocal's voice brings me back to his love, and NO, this is not a diary because for some reason I don't write diaries. But all I am after is that I want to tell you about him, or may be about me.
We talked today again and he held me in his warm arms again, I adore him, I adore the fact that I am his and he's mine, I asked about his mom; I wanted to know his family I really wish to meet them some day. But my questions took him to talk about marriage, our marriage. It felt safe and mature, like I've been always feeling since meeting him. Those feelings I missed for a month.
It's been march09, and this month it didn't nurture our love. I dreamlessly slept every night resenting my bed, my lullaby tortured my eyes; it refused to sing me when he's not there, I hated that I wake up in the morning knowing that it will be another day without him, knowing that I've to beg hours to pass by, I hated to lock my tears when he talks to me, I hated to tell him am okay when my heart burns out of pain, I hated to live abstractly, and I also hated to believe in him so much and wait for him to come back…when he didn't.
I lived senselessly, like I've just said abstractly. I wanted to kill every feeling I carry for him, I detained myself being so needy. I turned my world to a materialistic one. He didn't know that, he didn't know that he vanished in the wrong time either, the time when I got introduced to a woman, a brilliant careerist but scary too, who carries heart of love scars, she thinks all men are jerks and she's but for failing in love and relationship department she wouldn't have reached to what she's now, she was like a glazing star in my dark night, she was my only light, may be this light was a delusion in a world full of hypocrites but I didn't actually care. She snaffled me with her words, words of gold, I'd listened to her as she narrates how tenacious was she walking over her grief, I silently decided to take steps back from him, I silently decided to let go.
Yet my heart torn apart with every step am taking away from him, I realized that he's not a bonus like I've always taught myself to take men in my heart. I realized he was different and that he's in me. And I realized that I loved, I truly loved, I knew I didn't deserve the slaying when I hear words I don't feel. But I learned to be patient; I believed he'll be back some day.
My love went dry day by day; it didn't matter how much I wanted to call him many times to cry. To beg him to fix me. To tell him he's losing me. But the matter is that …I didn't I just adopt silence. He came, yes he did, he apologized and I eagerly accepted and sadly enough it didn't take much time for him to be distant again to steal heaven again. I began to lose hope that his hassle will end up, and that he'll be mine again. I didn't have a way out for my sadness except by writing; I wrote so many lines. but the one that still hurts 'til now: "I was promised with a different man, I was promised not to ever feel hurt, nor to have the inclination for writing about dreams went astray, he said he would take care of me, he said he felt home with me, hadn't he missed his home yet?" I witnessed people crying on this. But him…He wasn't there.
Yesterday; he wanted to talk, he wanted to know why we're here, I didn't know how to reply his urgent and sudden SOS, but I decided to hear him, I curbed my eagerness this time, locked up pounds of my thrilling heart, and just gave him the table and heard, he sounded serious this time, he sounded like he really wants to heal me. And as usual he won the round, he cured. Yet when I laid my head on the pillow to sleep I scrabbled his promise of not hurting me again. I slept ready to wake up on the same-him not there-.
But am proudly saying he brought me down this time, he's finally back to me, I knew that when he woke me up at 11am by the message alert, I read it and I drawn in my bed like a relieved soul after being breathe deprived. My pain was exorcised.